I Remember
by BlackbAngeL
Summary: Moments in time, Angel's POV. BA, oneshot!


**Disclaimer:** Honestly, do I have to tell you again? Okay, so, they aren't mine. Happy now?

**Author:** BlackbAngeL

**Summary:** Moments in time, in Angel's memory.

**Note:** I know! I know I should write in WOAS, or BH, but sorry, that idea just didn't want to get out of my head. I swear I'll update the other stories soon!!

And once again, it's not beta'ed. Sorry. Bear with me, okay?

o o o o o o o

It took quite a long time to get to that point. We've been through a lot, Heaven and Hell… Except, in our case, it was literally.

I remember leaving her, all those years ago, feeling her eyes digging holes in my back… but I didn't turn around to look at her. I wouldn't have been able to keep on walking if I had.

I remember the months, years following that fateful day, wondering what my place in the world was, trying to forget her, but never managing to. Looking at her picture, torturing myself with 'what if', and 'if only', wondering why, hoping someday… It took me along time, but I finally stopped thinking about her twenty-four seven. She was there, at the back of my mind, never really far, but her memory, her face, didn't really hurt anymore. I guess I had accepted.

And then, I remember Willow's face when I came back from Pylea. I remember understanding immediately, and standing there for long minutes, trying to process the idea that the girl I loved more than life itself, even if I knew I couldn't have her, wasn't a part of this world anymore. I remember my friends trying to get through to me, trying to make me do something, talk, cry, move, blink, anything. I just couldn't. The world had just come crashing down around me, I could hear it scream… I could smell her scent in the room, probably Willow wearing one of her sweaters… I remember saying something, but I can't recall what it was exactly… going through the motions, pretending I hadn't heard, I didn't know, pretending she was still there.

But she wasn't. That, I couldn't deal with. I left, spent three months in a monastery in Sri Lanka, trying to cope with the fact that she would never smile at me again. Trying to get her out of my dreams, when at the same time I went to sleep early only to see her there. Trying to understand why, wishing I would have been there to fight, to save her, to die for her… Wondering why I was still there, how I could still be there, eating, talking, when she wasn't.

I remember finding some peace then. Dealing… not saying goodbye, I didn't do that… I couldn't… and believe me, I tried. But deciding it was time to go on with my life, to go back to my family, to go back to fighting… To lock her away in a golden box in my heart, my heart that had been ripped to shreds, and stitched back together after all those weeks of grief, upside down and inside out, missing a few pieces, but almost whole… And to move on, wait patiently for the moment when I would see her again. Knowing that if I wanted to, I had to earn my redemption. Knowing she was waiting for me.

I remember feeling guilty for being alive. I remember James, and Elizabeth, and wondering why I could go on living… did it mean that I loved her less than that vampire loved his mate?

No. Of course it didn't. Nobody can love anybody more than I loved Buffy. It took Cordelia to make me realize I wasn't betraying her, but honoring her memory.

I remember going on, laughing again, starting to enjoy my life, just like what I was trying to do before she died. I remember looking at her picture every morning before going to bed, and realizing I was able to smile now, when I thought about her… realizing she was still there, deep inside of me, and even if it still hurt, it was soothing… I would always, always miss her. Thinking about her would always tug at my heart, and I would always fight back bittersweet tears… but I could live. For her.

And then, I remember talking with Fred that evening, and hearing Cordy's hurried footsteps, her excited voice when she told me that Buffy was alive. I remember pausing, just the time to make sure I had heard right… And I remember running, grabbing the phone, ignoring the protests of a Cordelia who just pretended to be pissed off.

I remember hearing her voice, and hardly believing it was true. I needed to see her, to be sure… I remember running to my car, and leaving the hotel without a word, heading for that particular place… I remember feeling my heart become whole again, the puzzle finally finished and back in order, when I saw her waiting for me there. I remember tears, in her eyes and mine. I remember wanting to hold onto her forever, to be with her, shield her from the world and its demons… to take her with me, somewhere, anywhere, and to love her like she deserved. To never let her out of my sight, because if something happened to her again, I wouldn't survive it. They couldn't give her back to me, and take her away again. Not if I was there.

I remember her smile, that night. Her hands, her kisses, when for a few hours, we pretended we were just two lovers, I was just human, and we would live happily ever after…

I remember realizing, as I held her in my arms, that nothing had changed. That I was still a vampire with a soul I could lose with one moment of perfect happiness, and who certainly would lose it very soon if I didn't go away. That we still had battles to fight, and that it wasn't our time.

Yet.

I remember being okay with that. It didn't really matter… As long as she was there, somewhere, living, breathing, laughing, wearing those stupid pyjamas and adding tons of marshmallows in her hot cocoa… it was enough for me. I could live with that, it was still a hell of a lot better than what I had only hours earlier.

I remember leaving again, and deciding maybe I should try to move on with my life. Deciding I wouldn't brood about her anymore, I wouldn't regret being away from her, and I would stay far… because for now, it was for the best. I remember driving towards L.A, and marvelling at the fact that that nagging pain I was starting to get used to, somewhere in my heart, was gone. I was happy, not overly so because I still wished I could be there with her, but happy anyway. She was back… Everything was right with the world.

I remember trying, to move on. I remember Fred and Lorne trying to convince me Cordelia was made for me… I never found the strength in me to tell them I didn't really believe that, but I remember wanting to try. I remember feeling lonely, and wanting to feel the warmth of another human being… I remember the brave, loving, and caring Cordy, who I wish now had never crossed my path, because she would still be alive if she hadn't. I remember deciding that I had to live my life, and if I couldn't be with Buffy, then she was the best choice. It was easy… I loved her as my friend, my family… maybe it could be more. It wouldn't hurt to try, would it?

If only I had known… known that at that point in time, she was already becoming somebody else, the demon in her slowly dulling her capacities, clouding her judgement… making her different. And I didn't even notice. I never even noticed when it wasn't her at all.

I remember being angry, at the world, the PTB, when I realised that I would never have her either. Was it some kind of rule? I had to stay alone?

I remember thinking that at least, for a while, I had known love. True love, of the once in a lifetime kind… how many people in the world can say that?

I remember my life slowly going to hell. Connor… Cordy… Wes… I remember having to kill my best friend, and realizing that I could. I remember killing my son, and having nightmares about that… even if I would do it again, in a heartbeat.

I remember Lilah's words, about Sunnydale. I remember going there, wondering what I was gonna say, what I was gonna do… I remember being happy then, strangely enough… My son had a family, a good one, and had a chance at life, finally. A chance I had given him. And I was proud.

I remember seeing her in that crypt, watching her fight in awe… I had missed this. That grace, that strength… Buffy has always been beautiful, but when she fights, she's a sight to behold. She lets her true nature take over, the warrior… with every single one of her moves, she looks like she's dancing… I remember her looking at me, dropping her weapon, and literally throwing herself in my arms. I remember smiling, and thinking that if I could die there, with her lips on mine, her arms around me, her scent surrounding me, I would die a happy man. I remember realising that nothing would ever top what I felt when I was with her.

Then I remember her telling me to go away. I remember that rage, that pain I felt when I understood that Spike was one of the reasons of her sending me back to L.A.

I remember our hands touching, our eyes locking into each other's for a second…

And I remember hope. Hope she gave me… her way of saying she still loved me. I remember replying in kind.

"Maybe someday" had suddenly become concrete.

Then, I remember that year in Wolfram and Heart. Andrew saying she didn't trust me. Spike rubbing his relationship with her in my face. Cordy coming back, only to die after twenty-four hours, and me wishing with all my heart that I could have been able to love her like she deserved. I remember Fred dying, and my heart breaking a little more… I remember being angry, at Willow, at Buffy, at Gunn, everybody… and deciding then that I would make Fred's death matter. That I would use the vision Cordy gave me, and kill the bad guys.

I remember the pain, when I learned about the Immortal, and Buffy. I remember wishing I had stopped loving her, because then I wouldn't hurt. I remember deciding cookies could wait, and Nina wasn't that bad. I remember sleeping with the werewolf, and wishing I could be able to fall in love with her. But I wasn't. A blond Californian girl had taken my heart a few years earlier, and never gave it back to me.

I remember fighting the Senior Partners. I remember thinking I was going to die and go to hell again. I remember thinking about her… and fighting harder.

I remember winning. Spike shouting it was finally over, and he would love something to drink. I remember Illyria leaving without a word. I remember trying to find Gunn's body.

Then, I remember that pain in my chest, that overwhelming need to breathe, my heart starting to beat. Spike cursing whatever God he could think about, and helping me off the floor, leading me to a building, and wondering aloud why it was always me who had everything he wanted.

I remember smiling. A little. Then remembering my friends were dead.

I remember leaving, going away, deciding to start a new life… I remember the girls, blond, pretty… empty.

And I remember that day. Seattle under the rain, nothing new here… I remember hurrying to hide from the thick curtain of droplets, and running into a young woman, who would have ended up on the soaked floor if I hadn't caught her. I remember helping her stand up, and finally seeing her face.

I remember losing the ability to talk.

Buffy, obviously, hadn't. She talked, talked again, shouted, resisted the urge to punch me, and told me she had thought I was dead for months.

I remember seeing her tears.

And I remember swearing I would never make her cry ever again.

I remember taking her in my arms, and telling her I wanted to try. I remember wondering why on earth I was saying that, and then finding my own answer.

Because I loved her.

I remember last week, one year after that rainy day. I remember her face when I asked her to marry me, and her smile mirroring mine when she said she would, without a second of hesitation. I remember the feel of her skin on mine, but that, I don't need a special occasion to think about…

I remember wondering what I had done to deserve that happiness. I remember thinking about all those years, all that time apart, all the people we've lost, and realising once again I had my answer.

Ten years from now, I hope I'll remember al lot of things. Happier things. Our child's birth, first smile, first word, first steps… Buffy in a wedding gown… Nights of passion… Friends, Christmas, birthdays, evenings with my family watching stupid TV shows…No more battles, no more demons, no more deaths…

Just life.

o o o o o o o

Hey, look at that! I wrote something, when I should be writing for WOAS or BH… Now there's a surprise! Lol

Just tell me what you think, please!!


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